Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
