wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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