Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
