We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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