She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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