I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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