You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm really busy with my period
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