i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
