i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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