i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
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Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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