Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
