Yo dont text me then not text me
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
