Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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