she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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