Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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