I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
