At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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