I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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