im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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