He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
