Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
