god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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