he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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