I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
