I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
