I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
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You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
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Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."