is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site