I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.