dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"