i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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