i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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