So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
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I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
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my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
A+ Viking dick
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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