this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
