$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
