theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
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Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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