I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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