My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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