someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
