At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
