dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
