Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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