She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
