i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You are the jesus of drinking
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
