God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize