Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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