things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
