Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
