Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
