I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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