When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
