My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
