On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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