this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
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