My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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