Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
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My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.