i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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