I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize