the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
