Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
