i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it hurts more in the daytime
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
