I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
