if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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